Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Table of Resurrection Contradictions

When I was a devout Christian, I thought it would be cool to combine the four gospels into a single narrative.  I wondered why there wasn't already such a published work.  To my dismay, I realized that the reason there is no such work is because it is impossible to combine the four accounts without diminishing the stories from at least one of the books.  I asked my dad, who had graduated seminary how I could reconcile the contradictions.  He answered by saying that each author had his own point of view, and I just needed to have faith.
      So here is a taste of that work, the Resurrection.  I hope you Atheists enjoy it.  I hope all you Christians read this critically and ask yourselves why your concept of God, who supposedly is concerned with your everlasting soul"  could fail to give his message clearly to humanity.

Matthew 28

Mark 16

Luke 24

John 20

The Women Who Went to the Tomb
 1In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre. 1And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.
 2And very early in the morning the first day of the week, they came unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.
1Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them.
* ( Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them)

1The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre

The Stone is Rolled Away and the Angel Descends
 2And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.
 3His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
 4And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men.






The Women Find the Stone Rolled Away; wait, didn't They Already See the Stone Roll Away?






  3And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?
 4And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.





2And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.






, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.
The Women Enter The Sepulchure, the Body is Gone, and There is a Young man, I mean two Men









 5And entering into the sepulchre,




they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white garment; and they were affrighted.
3And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.
4And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:







The Angel, I Mean Young Man, I Mean Two Men Tell the Women That Jesus is Risen, I Mean, nobody Tells Mary Magdalene Anything.
*(the angel apparently is still sitting on the stone)
5And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
 6He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
 7And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.




 6And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him.
 7But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye see him, as he said unto you.



 5And as they were afraid, and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead?
 6He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee,
 7Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.








The Women, I Mean Just Mary Magdaline Leave the Sepulchre



 8And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.



 8And they went out quickly, and fled from the sepulchre; for they trembled and were amazed:
 8And they remembered his words,
 9And returned from the sepulchre,



2Then she runneth,
The Women Don't Tell Anyone Anything, or Do They?


neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid.



Jesus Appears to the Women and Tells Them to Have the Disciples Meet Him in Galilee; I Mean Just Mary Magdalene
9And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.
 10Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.
 9Now when Jesus was risen early the first day of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils.






















Mary Magdaline, I Mean the Women Tell the Disciples (Wait, didn't the women not say anything to any man because they were afraid?) That Jesus is Risen, I Mean, Mary Magdaline Tells Them That They Took Away the Body







10And she went and told them that had been with him, as they mourned and wept.




and [they] told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest.



And [she] cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the LORD out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.
The Disciples Don't Believe Mary Magdaline, I Mean the Women















 11And they, when they had heard that he was alive, and had been seen of her, believed not.
 10It was Mary Magdalene and Joanna, and Mary the mother of James, and other women that were with them, which told these things unto the apostles.
 11And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not.








Peter, I Mean Peter and That Other Disciple Go To the Sepulchre, See the Burial Clothes, Then Leave





























































12Then arose Peter, and ran unto the sepulchre;





and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass.
















3Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.
 4So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.
 5And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.
 6Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,
 7And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.
 8Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.
 9For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must rise again from the dead.
 10Then the disciples went away again unto their own home.
Mary Sees the Angels in the Sepulchre, then Jesus






 11But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,
 12And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.
 13And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my LORD, and I know not where they have laid him.
 14And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.
 15Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.
 16Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.
 17Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.
 18Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the LORD, and that he had spoken these things unto her.
Jesus Appears to Two Men; the Men Tell the Others, Who Don't Believe Them



































































































12After that he appeared in another form unto two of them, as they walked, and went into the country.
















































































13And, behold, two of them went that same day to a village called Emmaus, which was from Jerusalem about threescore furlongs.
 14And they talked together of all these things which had happened.
 15And it came to pass, that, while they communed together and reasoned, Jesus himself drew near, and went with them.
 16But their eyes were holden that they should not know him.
 17And he said unto them, What manner of communications are these that ye have one to another, as ye walk, and are sad?
 18And the one of them, whose name was Cleopas, answering said unto him, Art thou only a stranger in Jerusalem, and hast not known the things which are come to pass there in these days?
 19And he said unto them, What things? And they said unto him, Concerning Jesus of Nazareth, which was a prophet mighty in deed and word before God and all the people:
 20And how the chief priests and our rulers delivered him to be condemned to death, and have crucified him.
 21But we trusted that it had been he which should have redeemed Israel: and beside all this, to day is the third day since these things were done.
 22Yea, and certain women also of our company made us astonished, which were early at the sepulchre;
 23And when they found not his body, they came, saying, that they had also seen a vision of angels, which said that he was alive.
 24And certain of them which were with us went to the sepulchre, and found it even so as the women had said: but him they saw not.
 25Then he said unto them, O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken:
 26Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into his glory?
 27And beginning at Moses and all the prophets, he expounded unto them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself.
 28And they drew nigh unto the village, whither they went: and he made as though he would have gone further.
 29But they constrained him, saying, Abide with us: for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent. And he went in to tarry with them.
 30And it came to pass, as he sat at meat with them, he took bread, and blessed it, and brake, and gave to them.
 31And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight.
 32And they said one to another, Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while he opened to us the scriptures?































































































Jesus Appears to the Disciples Behind Closed Doors, I Mean on a Mountain in Galilee







16Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, into a mountain where Jesus had appointed them.








 17And when they saw him, they worshipped him: but some doubted.






 13And they went and told it unto the residue: neither believed they them.
 14Afterward he appeared unto the eleven as they sat at meat, and upbraided them with their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they believed not them which had seen him after he was risen.






























 33And they rose up the same hour, and returned to Jerusalem, and found the eleven gathered together, and them that were with them,
 34Saying, The Lord is risen indeed, and hath appeared to Simon.
 35And they told what things were done in the way, and how he was known of them in breaking of bread.
36And as they thus spake, Jesus himself stood in the midst of them, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.
 37But they were terrified and affrighted, and supposed that they had seen a spirit.
 38And he said unto them, Why are ye troubled? and why do thoughts arise in your hearts?
 39Behold my hands and my feet, that it is I myself: handle me, and see; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have.
 40And when he had thus spoken, he shewed them his hands and his feet.
 41And while they yet believed not for joy, and wondered, he said unto them, Have ye here any meat?
 42And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb.
 43And he took it, and did eat before them.
19Then the same day at evening, being the first day of the week, when the doors were shut where the disciples were assembled for fear of the Jews,








came Jesus and stood in the midst, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.














 20And when he had so said, he shewed unto them his hands and his side. Then were the disciples glad, when they saw the LORD.
(*interesting note: John is the only book that states that Jesus' side was pierced, so the writer of Luke would not have known that Jesus showed his side to the disciples.)
And He Said Unto Them Four Different Things, Then Breathed on Them and Gave them The Holy Ghost, I Mean Opened Their Understanding
 18And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.
 19Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
 20Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
15And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature.
 16He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.
 17And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;
 18They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.


































 44And he said unto them, These are the words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must be fulfilled, which were written in the law of Moses, and in the prophets, and in the psalms, concerning me.













 45Then opened he their understanding, that they might understand the scriptures,
 46And said unto them, Thus it is written, and thus it behooved Christ to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day:
 47And that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem.
 48And ye are witnesses of these things.
 49And, behold, I send the promise of my Father upon you: but tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem, until ye be endued with power from on high.
21Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you.











































22And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost:
 23Whose soever sins ye remit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.
Doubting Thomas






24But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.
 25The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the LORD. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.
26And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.
 27Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.
 28And Thomas answered and said unto him, My LORD and my God.
 29Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast seen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.
 30And many other signs truly did Jesus in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book:
 31But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name.
The Ascension as The Disciples Sat at Meat, I mean at Bethany






19So then after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God.
 20And they went forth, and preached every where, the Lord working with them, and confirming the word with signs following. Amen.

50And he led them out as far as to Bethany, and he lifted up his hands, and blessed them.
 51And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and carried up into heaven.
 52And they worshipped him, and returned to Jerusalem with great joy:
 53And were continually in the temple, praising and blessing God. Amen.


At Some Point, the Guards go to the High Priests, who Bribe Them to say Jesus' Disciples Stole His Body While They Were Asleep
Matthew
11Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.
 12And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,
 13Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him away while we slept.
 14And if this come to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.
 15So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.